Just to be clear, I should definitely be studying for my Organic II Chem test right now, but I haven't slept in two days now and the only time I have peace of mind is when I am thinking over where my life is going and the new-found clarity I have on where it has been.
So I'm writing this blog even though it has nothing to do with the previously stated objective (which I will also soon be writing on, as doubtful as that seems what with the giant time gap between my bloggings (sp?) - oh well).
I have recently realized just how young I am. It seems like the older I get nowadays, the less mature I realize I am. Mind you, I am maturing, and a lot, as most of my closest friends and family could attest. (For example, I now do productive things with my time like blog while I'm procrastinating). It's just that I previously thought I was so much more mature and ready and well-equiped for life in general than I was. Just a handful of months ago I thought I was ready to be married. I had life figured out. All of my ducks were in a row and I could see my beautiful future. Not only did I think I was ready to be married, I wanted to be. I wanted marriage and children and the only thing that was holding me back, as I told my family to their chagrin, was lack of funding.
I recently moved in with my best friend Haylee Turner. Don't worry, I haven't gotten off topic. Moving in with her was a reality check. Now Hayboo and I fight a lot, so I'm no stranger to that--but when we first moved in especially, the adjustments I had to make were staggering. I had been basically living alone for months before, the master of my own bat-ridden domain (but that's another story). To reduce hatred (murders) amongst roommates, when you're about to move into a college dorm, the R.A.'s make you fill out forms and try to figure out how messy/clean you want your place to be, how you want to do your chores, your sleeping schedule, etc. This way, people agree upon things instead of cage-fighting-to-the-death about them. In many cases, especially with people who don't know each other as well, it is these little kinds of things that add up to resentment. However when you move in with someone you have known for years there can actually be a greater source of friction. You see, when you have an established relationship with someone, you expect them to just know you after a while. Hayboo and I are often guilty of this because in many situations we do just know the other and what she wants/needs. Unfortunately, that means when we aren't on the same wavelength it catches us more off guard and can be more upsetting. It also means that we tend to take each other for granted and not appreciate each other like we should because everything we do for one another is just expected. And this is important- in every relationship the partners need to feel appreciated. If you aren't appreciating a close friend/partner or do not feel appreciated by said close friend/partner, more superficial problems will arise that stem from this main umbrage. (This is when you start tearing up and yelling at your boyfriend for not liking Justin Bieber just because he doesn't like the Bieber fanbase; something Justin Bieber cannot control...not that that ever happened, of course). When I figured this out, that was when I realized I didn't want to be married any time soon. Even if you can find someone with the help of God or luck; or your lucky underwear if you happen to be Mormon; who shares your interests, who you can respect, who you are comfortable with, who appreciates you, and who you love, at the end of the day you're both human and trying to fit your schedules and habits to each other's while still making sure to appreciate them and the things they do is exhausting. (So exhausting I needed a run-on sentence to convey my message).
I have complete and total faith in God that one day, if/when I'm ready, He will provide for me an awe-inspiring husband to spend my life with. Right now though, I just want to not think about it. I'm not being bitter. I haven't decided that I can't have a relationship just because one didn't work out. I don't hate men and I am completely happy for those who are currently in love. I still love love, but I realized that lately, when I dreamt about falling in love it was more about finding a husband. If you ever find yourself thinking, "I want to find a husband/wife," you absolutely aren't ready to be part of a healthy, lasting relationship. If you're looking for that title, you're not going to be looking for a person to appreciate and enhance your life, you're looking for someone to model your life around. In my case, I've always been told what great potential I have and that makes me terrified that I'm going to mess it all up. In my crazy mind, and this can be true for most of us I think, if I were married and I messed my life up, not only could I share blame but I could have someone there who by legal and spiritual contract had to stick through it with me. Most girls my age, especially most Christian girls honestly, un/consciously want to be married for the somewhat different desire to be able to start living their lives by having someone to tell them how they should live it. For some alarming reason it seems that many young women in the church have interpreted being "like lambs" into very literally being lead by man. These ladies substitute finding themselves and creating their own life for situating themselves into another's like one would jam two sets of arms into one coat and act like it's a comfortable fit. (That's not to say the "men" of the church don't do the same thing when it comes to finding a wife, mind you). None of this is okay. None of this is what God wants. He made us individually for a reason. The miracle of "two becoming one" in marriage isn't a miracle if you don't have your own life and a sense of who you are. Without your own life you don't count as a whole. Harsh, but true.
What I now know is that I have to have my own life. A whole life. Not a life that will be okay until I find someone to fall in love with and marry. Not a life I can live with living until the life I really want starts. A life that I love because I'm in it and so is God and some really great friends and family. A man with whom I fall in love will only enter the picture when he is a true man, who I respect and admire, and truly loves me and enhances my already complete life. When I fall in love and am annoyed by the happy quandary of how much I am going to need to change my life (not myself) to make the relationship work, that is when I will be as ready as I'll ever be to be part of a lasting relationship.
